Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: U2


Sometimes a band can suck balls for years, even decades and still continue to be hugely succesful. This can be accomplished by way of two magical words: "CRITICAL ACCLAIM." If critics love your band it doesn't matter how much you blow. You will continue to sell millions of records. You will continue to sell out huge arena tours. You will continue to get your mugs posted on the cover of every music magazine, everytime you so much as mention you might be heading into the studio to record the sounds of your own flatulence. I mean your band's newest release just got a 5 star rating in Rolling Stone for the fourth consecutive album. Why shouldn't people run to the store to pick it up? Your new cover story proclaims "Confessions of The World's Biggest band." Why shouldn't people sleep outside ticketmaster outlets to buy overpriced tickets for your arena tour? No band has skated by on the strength of douchebag critics opinions for longer and to a greater degree than this weeks Band That Sucks Balls: U2.

U2 has been around for my entire lifetime. And I can't remember one point where they weren't huge. When they weren't deified as rock gods. I can't remember one U2 album coming out that critics panned as "average." All this of course blows my mind becase U2 FUCKING SUCKS. There are actually some people I know who might hate U2 more than I do. I am at least old enough to acknowledge that at the outset decades ago, U2 had some potential. They emerged as four working class Irish kids with a chip on their shoulder who were kinda punkish/rebellious. They released like two or three decent songs. They were all about "standing for something" (Sign #1 a band is destined to bury their heads up their own asses). Bono didn't even wear sunglasses. For some reason this minute amount of halfway decent music they released led to critics absolutely falling in love with them. Suddenly U2 was the world's "Greatest Rock Band." They were universally proclaimed the best live act around. Their albums sold more and more records. Their stadium tours got bigger and more elaborate. Bono put on sunglasses and became an authority on the world's problems. The rest is history.

There must be some sort of underground conspiracy in the music world I am not aware of that is responsible for U2's continuing success and critical acclaim. They have been making shitty music for two decades now. Do any of these jackoff critics actually LISTEN to any of U2's albums before giving out 5 star ratings like candy? I could have written "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAAAAAY." Jesus Christ. Hearing that song makes me want to kick baby strollers into oncoming traffic. When I inevitably end up in Hell, I assume "Beautiful Day" will be blared on repeat while I am forced to watch an all Tyler Perry cable network. Then U2 decided to apparently sign a deal with Apple and now I have to hear the new shitty U2 song everytime an Apple commercial comes on. Fuck you Apple. I would be a lot more interested in purchasing the new IPhone if "HELLOOOOO HELLOOOOOO!!" wasn't blaring during your God damn commercial. U2's latest project was...writing a Spider Man musical.

(head explodes)

WHAT?? Why the fuck do we need a U2 Spiderman musical?! Spiderman sucks. U2 sucks. Who the hell came up with this idea? What happened Broadway...did the deal for the "Twilight" musical scored by R.E.M. fall through??

U2's band is pictured above in it's entirety. U2's Wikipedia page will tell you that Adam Clayton plays bass and Larry Mullen Jr. plays drums in the band. Yeah nobody knows who the fuck these people are. You could replace Adam and Larry with Gilbert Godfried and a homeless Mexican and nobody would notice. U2 is the single-named douche duo of Bono and "The Edge." I've already covered what a jackass Bono is off the stage. Onstage he is no less of a pompous cock. He sings in an over the top operatic whine. He poses in elaborate stances with his arms spread while the arena spotlight shines on him like he is Jesus resurrected. Everything is a production with him directing attention to himself. He also always wears sunglesses, and not cool rock star sunglasses. NO. He wears colored see-through sunglasses. You know who else wears those sunglasses Bono? My mother (who I might add is way cooler than fucking Bono).

The Edge is the Silent Bob to Bono's Jay in the world of shitty arena rock. He also sucks. If you are gonna go by a cool moniker like "The Edge" you had better be a pretty badass guitarist who plays..."edgy" music. The Edge is a horrible guitarist. Since he has no actual guitar skills, critics choose to praise him as "a master of reverb and subtlety." WTF does that mean? His ability to play two chord "DING DING...DANG DANG" riffs on repeat makes him a master of "subtlety?" That's retarded. That's like saying my inability to dunk a basketball makes me a "master of subtlety" on the hardwood with my stirring layups. The Edge like Bono has a signature look: The fitter winter cap. Hey EDGE. You're playing an open air stadium show in July. Take your fucking stocking cap off dickhead you're not a chemo patient.

Anyways U2 are firmly entrenched as media darlings. So there is no end in sight to their reign as critically acclaimed rock gods that dominate our air waves. I guess we can just pray that Bono catches malaria on one of his upcoming Save Africa expeditions. Otherwise we will have to hear U2's epic shitty music forever. Just know that I'm not on board to go see "With or Without You" performed live with you anytime soon. If you purchase a ticket to see U2's Spiderman musical I have no choice but to assume you are either a terrorist, a pedophile, or a Nicolas Cage movie buff.

6 comments:

  1. Eight of U2's songs appeared on Rolling Stone's updated list of the "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time", with "One" ranking the highest at number 36 .For That U2 Tickets sold out early .But U2 is still one of my all-time favorite bands and i used to attend their concerts.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I certainly do not get ticketwood from U2 concerts. In fact it's quite the opposite.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Saying U2 and rock in the same sentence is blasphemous. U2 is not rock, its a pop band. Its a glorified N Sync that play their own instruments.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You know, the world needs more people like you. I thought U2 sucked a big hairy nutsack since day one, and I couldn't understand why people thought they were so great. Perhaps a case of sheep syndrome? And yes, Bono is the biggest douchebag to lead a "band" (and I use the term loosely). He is nothing more than a pompous wanna bee messiah to his legions of completely deaf morons. You tell it like it is. You are nothing short of fucking awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You might be eligible for a free Apple iPhone 7.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Absolutely correct. U2 SUCKS! Of course, music is subjective, and so it's impossible to say a person is wrong or right if he/she says, "This music is great." However, a person CAN be objectively subjective about music in order to critique; this allows one to talk about aspects of music that border on facts. And here are the aspects that border on factS concerning U2: the guitarist knows about three chords and his playing sounds so much the same in every U2 song that it borders on redundancy; the rhythm section (bass and drums) is as untalented as there is in rock 'n' roll music--a number of well-known musicians have even said this about the band; and the singer is a flat-out egomaniac, outright pretentious, and downright annoying. U2, as a whole, more than anything else are these things: untalented, pretentious, egocentric. And most importantly, GROSSLY OVERRATED.

    ReplyDelete