Sunday, August 29, 2010

At War With My Competitors

I'm a competitive person by nature. So obviously, even though blogging is just an outlet for me to rant on stupid everyday observations, I wouldn't mind it becoming as popular as possible on the internets. I realize that there are ingenious websites/blogs out there on the web that I will never be ever to compete with. You can't run out of pictures of owls looking hungover with funny captions. You can't run out of pictures of fucking hipsters for people to look at and judge. And there is no limit to the number of stupid things that white people have a fancy for. So these sites all deserve to get more hits than mine. I would like however, to at least be the most popular site with my variation of domain name (i.e. the term "Get Off My Lawn"). So I googled it. Apparently my site is the second blog spot result that pops up along with two other people's blogs. Well frankly, these people's blogs suck balls. So that you don't have to do the research and stumble onto reading their lame ass rants, I will now break down why the other members of the "Get Off My Lawn" blogosphere need to get off my internet.

This blog is fucking lame. First of all, naming your blog "Get off My Lawn!" indicates that you are a pissed off old man ready to spew viscious hatred upon everything wrong with the world. You can tell right away this guy is not angry. He is just EMO. Look at his blogger picture. It's just an artsy black and white shot of him staring at you with a contemplative look on his face. He is not angry. He is just mildly disturbed and depressed by some of life's trends. He probably listens to Dashbooard Confessional while writing his fucking entries.

Bloggers by nature are people who like hearing themselves talk, otherwise they wouldn't assume that people on the internet are interested in reading their thoughts. This guy however, REALLY likes to hear himself talk. He is a fucking intellectual and wants you to know it. He owns many leather bound books that smell like rich mahogany. He seriously wrote an entire blog entry devoted to his newly purchased collection of "Great Books of the Western World." Just fucking read this sentence about the missing volume in his fancy pants book collection:

"Now if Cervantes or the Newton/Huygens volume had been missing, I wouldn't think much of it. I wouldn't bat an eye at a truant Fielding. I might lament an absent Aristotle, but I don't think I'd wonder."

ZOMG!! Look at me name-dropping famous intellectuals and philosophers!! I'm so cultured! I READ!! I also almost used the term "TRUANT" correctly in a sentence! Fuck off. I'm an English major I'm not impressed. Take that Sherlock Holmes pipe you're smoking and shove it up your ass.

Further research reveals that this guy is Canadian. Ok no further comment necessary. Nobody cares what people in the homeless man's America think.

This is the most popular "Get Off My Lawn" result out on the world wide web. I'll admit this site is better than the aformentioned emo Hoser's blog. I mean at least it's angry. She occasionally comments with angry thoughts on everyday occurences I also take issue with. And she apparently likes "Mad Men" so that's a point I guess. Then I notice that she lists "San Francheesy," California as her home. Oh Jesus. You are probably an uppity thirty something vegan white woman, who moved to Frisco so you could be at home with other people who like saving the environment, buying organic groceries and the general scent of their own farts. I bet you had a blast helping keep Outside Lands Festival ECO-friendly this year:

(Ok Todd That's not nice. Not EVERYONE from San Francisco fits into your narrow-minded stereotypes. Why don't you at least wait to read this blogger describe themself before jumping to conclusions...?)


OH. MY. GOD. You seriously felt the need to emphasize that you drive a fucking Prius. I hope your eco-friendly glorified go-cart gets rear-ended by a Hummer on the Golden Gate bridge in the near future. Also, thanks for telling me you hold an "Advanced Degree." Wow I'm so impressed. You know who else gets a graduate education these days...? FUCKING EVERYONE. What is your "Advanced Degree" in? Is it a law degree? Are you a C.P.A? NO? Well then who the fuck cares. You spent seven years studying psychology, writing four page papers. That's not all that impressive.

This twat is also one of those people who tells you about every occurence/nuance in her own personal life and career. Oh you had a conference call today with a client in England! And it went badly?? Last time I checked I wasn't in the room conversing with these Brits so who gives a shit. I bet you have awesome Facebook and G-Chat status messages bitching about your mundane mid level job.

Also this information is not worth posting on the internet:

"A breakfast strata with roast mushrooms, heirloom tomatoes, artichokes, and herbed goat cheese, is a fine thing and quite enjoyable"

Actually that sounds quite...gross. Why the hell would I ever eat a goat cheese and artichoke sandwich for breakfast? Certainly not for personal enjoyment. No I would only do this if I wanted to inform people of my healthy veggie diet. Nobody cares about your delicious "strata." How bout' you drive your fucking Prius over to Mickey D's and try getting yourself a real breakfast treat with a fried egg and some bacon? Whore.

Well there you have it. To quote Charlie Kelly "I think I've been sufficiently redundant." These other "Lawn" bloggers are fucking losers. They are certainly no match for the entertainment value of GOMLK. They should retire their lame websites immediately so I can reign supreme over the "Get Off My Lawn" blogosphere market. That is all.


  1. Umm, it takes 7 years of 20 page papers. Dick.

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