Bands That Suck Balls: MAROON 5

I don't generally pay too much attention to pop music. It sucks, whores and teenagers like it. Whatever. I will acknowledge that some of it is necessary, because we after all we need some dance music for girls to shake their asses to. If you're a pop singer along the lines of Justin Timberlake and can get bumping beats to sing falsetto over that is condusive to booty shaking that's totally fine. However if you pick up a guitar, put a generic group of musicians behind you and purport to be a "rock band", while singing your shitty brand of pop garbage, that is not kosher. This week's Band That Sucks Balls: MAROON 5.

Pictured above is Maroon 5's "band." Namely lead singer Adam Levine who is a complete douchebag. You see Mr. Levine could just come out and say "I'm a pop singer," but instead he keeps a generic group of shitty musicians behind him to lay down the instrumentals, while he sings in his girly falsetto tone, and occasionally picks up a guitar, so he is in "a rock band." Nobody actually knows wtf these guys look like however, as they never appear in music videos. It's just all Adam all the time prancing around singing his shitty love jams.

Seriously just LOOK at this asshole. First of all he has a "faux-hawk." That is not an acceptable haircut for the frontman of a rockband. Either be a badass and rock a mohawk, or grow your hair out on the sides. The only people who rock "faux-hawks" are homosexual male models on the catwalk. Second, he rocks a permanent 5 o'clock shadow just like every other pretty boy douchebag trying to be a sex symbol. Fucking grow a man beard or shave. None of this middle school facial hair bullshit you fucking loser. Also, Maroon 5 wear suits and skinny ties. This is cool if you are the Rat Pack and have a martini in hand while crooning to the ladies. If you are a "rock band" you wear boots, jeans, and leather. Otherwise you are a collection of pussies.

Maroon 5 can't decide on what type of genre to fit into. Whatever sound they end up coming up with however, always ends up being total pansy crap. Sometimes they try to be a funk band laying down a bumping repetitive bassline for Adam to sing over. Sometimes Adam tries to sound like Stevie Wonder. Sometimes they try to sing sad love ballads. Sometimes they randomly try to sing about tough guy shit and kicking girls out of their bed. It all fucking sucks balls. The first time Maroon 5 really pissed me off was during "Live 8" ("Live AID"..? IDK regardless fucking Bono organized it to save something..) when they covered the Neil Young classic "Keep on Rocking in the Free World." Fuck you guys. In for you to continue to rock in the free world you would have had to initially rock in the free world at some point. Not sing "She will be loved."

The worst thing about Maroon 5 is that their lead singer tries so hard to look like a tough mysterious suave pimp-daddy. He fucking prances around in his suit, faux-hawk, and 5 o'clock making a brooding hardass face. Their videos feature this clown walking around various places with hot models throwing themselves at him while he turns and does his best "Blue Steel" Zoolander face for the camera. Who are you kidding you fucking pansy? There aren't hot models throwing themselves at your sissy ass, if anything you are probably throwing youself at models. And those models are named Fabrezio and Diego.

Look Maroon 5 aka..."Adam," just commit to being a poor man's Justin Timberlake and making shitty pop jams. Don't tell me you have a "band" just because you put the same 3 other douchebags behind you everytime to lay down the beat for your pussy pop jam. Don't pick up a guitar you don't know how to play and look all tough for the cameras. You are not a rock star. You have a fucking faux hawk and wear skinny ties with scarves. You should get off my rock radio and go follow your calling of being a judge on "America's Top Model."